i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
nutella sex= disaster
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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