dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize