i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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