what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
