my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
