If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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