i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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