So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
