Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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