It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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