im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
