why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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