I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
