If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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