so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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