i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
