When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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