Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
