I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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