What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
