If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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