then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
