1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
