the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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