I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
