I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize