At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You're like the curious george of whores
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize