I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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