An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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