im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
