ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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