Can i not drive my cunt home
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
