And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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