my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
