And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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