Tell her she can't have a vagina
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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