We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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