so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The uberlube is also flammable
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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