i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
