When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
