I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He passed out mid-signature
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This is my gift to your gina
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize