you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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