I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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