my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
