Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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