I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
