Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize