omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
