Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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