sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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