just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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