If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
