I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
