Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
