and she was petting her beer can
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
