Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
