Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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