it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
porn star boner night. come get it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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